what a week! woohiee yes. it turned out to be the most stupid week ever happened in my life~! i broke up with amallie! [duh? whatever you`re thinking is, u`re wrong! i'm not a lesbian!]i mean friendship. oh yes. It's the feeling of complete and absolute betrayal from the heart. The one that you're never sure you can recover fully from because your standards of trust have been drastically altered and the sight of the only form of love you thought was eternal suddenly fading away is something you're rather burn yourself a thousand times with acid that be put to watch all over again. I stuck through this fiasco the whole way through the only way I knew how. By being myself. By believing in everything I had believed in the day before this all ever happened.she showed me a different form of friendship that I had not known [even though it was done in a rather superficial way] where you feel as though this friend has some aura that resonates along with yours.I'm not trying to make this sound like a soul mate, or some divine lover [because THAT is DEFINITELY NOT it. besides, that's on a much higher level of love and emotion anyway] but it's like...a step down. It's like a best friend to a slightly abstract degree.And that's what I had considered her to be. So even though she hurt me much more than a lot of things, I'd still would have died for her if she needed it because of this. Hell, maybe I show too much compassion for others. I'd die for anyone who needed me to, really....and that's because I believe in that light that's deep within everyone that has us believing in a life or a future that could be prosperous and filled with absolute joy. And should anyone's be threatened with the possibility of being extinguished, I'd gladly give mine up for that person. I think that's why I'm here. Yeah. Maybe I'm that person who helps people find their never ending drive for life [or at least tries to], even though I have trouble finding my own. Can't be perfect, you know. But then again, we have all we create in our lives, and whether I choose to fully burn this bridge, I'll only be without another thing in life. Anyway, people. The love you have in this world is the love you create, and whether or not you have it, it's a choice that's yours...even though you'll still have to watch out for those thorns here and there. So I dont know what I'll tell her tomorrow, but I hope it goes okay. I'm tired of hurting myself over this.So, I spent all of today reading and trying to start a project that was due a week ago; trying to rebuild something that I once knew as routine, only to find...that I'm alone. Completely and breathlessly alone. Left to only wonder just how I got here. Did I do it? Maybe. Maybe I've just gotten so used to myself being SOMEHOW isolated by someone else's actions, that I do it to myself as well. I feel so....silenced. Too willing to let others run around and ignore how rude and cruel they are just to let them be happy and too kind to let them know how much it hurts. Damn, I really hate these stay-home days since all they do is make you see the shit in life you're missing out on. oh well until next week!

hey~! hehe. an update! yay! uhmm, this will be a very dramatic or lets just say, hopeless entry.
hayy.. what can you say when you heard the word "past"? yeah, in connection of love. prang lhat mskit dba? prang the word, past, signifies negative, hurt or isolation. hehe. u`re w0ndrin' bkt prang nauso yata sken ngayon ang past. Prang nagflashback skin kninang chemistry ung first love ko. yeah. HIS days.and i figured out that, soobrang swerte ko nung mga time na yun. i mean, imagine that pretty girl, he waited her for all of his life. then, poof! sakto, transferee ako nun!somebody told me that if our relationship succeed, then, i will be he's partner until now.but those days, are soo weird. i mean, i don't even know how to fall in love completely.the word, LOVE is nothing to me. i don't even feel it in my core. until one day, na fall ako sa knya. but, it`s too late. his feelings for me faded away. and i can`t take it back anymore.that was exactly august 1, 2004. i don`t know if he still loves me that period. but to tell you honestly, in one week and 2 days, there are moments that should be treasured:
-ung inayos nia ung ribbon ko, mababaw pero sweet. place: gym. science time doing laboratory experiment.-xa ung nagsulat ng landline number ko sa autograph na cnasgutan ko. time: morning. unknown day.- nagrequest ng hug. place: saint joan. time: uwian.- first ever gift na natanggap ko sa knya! linagay pa nia sa locker ko un. 1 big card and a "you`re special" bottle from Blue Magic.- 2nd gift was, 3 lavender bracelets. ung isa, naputol! ='c. pero ung isang piece, nasa akin prin.- the song, FALLING by KEAHIWAI. naalala ko, nung nasa library ako, tas hinala nia ako pataas pralang iparinig ung kanta na un sa radyo.- pag gawa nmin nang banner ng saint joan for nutrition month. tinuruan nia ako pano magtanggal ngscotch tape sa naka roll na cartolina.- ung drawing nia na rose na may tag na, " i love you, darlene". una niang pinaalam na may gusto xa skin. time: parating c sir roland! mag MMAPEH.- ang pag explain nia sken na kung bkit nia ako mahal. place: canteen.- ung, pagkuha nia ng sapatos ko sa girls cr. naiwan ko kxe sa school. xa ung una kong tinakbuhan.nasira cellphone nia, dhil nabasa sa ulan.-yung pag congratulate nia sken. dhil na elect ako as first year level representative ng dance club.-isang napaka solemn na rainy day, sa phone, cnabi nia sken ung family secrets nila. until now,wala pang nakakaalam.-ung dinifend nia ako kay krizza. kxe inaaway ako ni krizza! tas pinagtanggol nia ako.
marami pa.. nakkpanghinayang no. ang dming ngang nssngayan. too bad, wrong timing xa.ang immature ko pa nung time na un. ndi ko pa naiintindihan lhat. meron xang cnbi skinnung nagbreak kmi, " sana ndi nlang ako ung nagturo sayo kung pano magmahal."hay.. " past is past" sbi nila. ndi na mbblik pa. we have our own lives. and we`re still living it. hehe.


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