what a week! woohiee yes. it turned out to be the most stupid week ever happened in my life~! i broke up with amallie! [duh? whatever you`re thinking is, u`re wrong! i'm not a lesbian!]i mean friendship. oh yes. It's the feeling of complete and absolute betrayal from the heart. The one that you're never sure you can recover fully from because your standards of trust have been drastically altered and the sight of the only form of love you thought was eternal suddenly fading away is something you're rather burn yourself a thousand times with acid that be put to watch all over again. I stuck through this fiasco the whole way through the only way I knew how. By being myself. By believing in everything I had believed in the day before this all ever happened.she showed me a different form of friendship that I had not known [even though it was done in a rather superficial way] where you feel as though this friend has some aura that resonates along with yours.I'm not trying to make this sound like a soul mate, or some divine lover [because THAT is DEFINITELY NOT it. besides, that's on a much higher level of love and emotion anyway] but it's like...a step down. It's like a best friend to a slightly abstract degree.And that's what I had considered her to be. So even though she hurt me much more than a lot of things, I'd still would have died for her if she needed it because of this. Hell, maybe I show too much compassion for others. I'd die for anyone who needed me to, really....and that's because I believe in that light that's deep within everyone that has us believing in a life or a future that could be prosperous and filled with absolute joy. And should anyone's be threatened with the possibility of being extinguished, I'd gladly give mine up for that person. I think that's why I'm here. Yeah. Maybe I'm that person who helps people find their never ending drive for life [or at least tries to], even though I have trouble finding my own. Can't be perfect, you know. But then again, we have all we create in our lives, and whether I choose to fully burn this bridge, I'll only be without another thing in life. Anyway, people. The love you have in this world is the love you create, and whether or not you have it, it's a choice that's yours...even though you'll still have to watch out for those thorns here and there. So I dont know what I'll tell her tomorrow, but I hope it goes okay. I'm tired of hurting myself over this.So, I spent all of today reading and trying to start a project that was due a week ago; trying to rebuild something that I once knew as routine, only to find...that I'm alone. Completely and breathlessly alone. Left to only wonder just how I got here. Did I do it? Maybe. Maybe I've just gotten so used to myself being SOMEHOW isolated by someone else's actions, that I do it to myself as well. I feel so....silenced. Too willing to let others run around and ignore how rude and cruel they are just to let them be happy and too kind to let them know how much it hurts. Damn, I really hate these stay-home days since all they do is make you see the shit in life you're missing out on. oh well until next week!